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DE LA CRUZ
Street Level

Frontiers (2013)
Rating: 3/10

Just because Steel Panther have been successful with their brand of cheesy modern day, albeit nostalgic, hair metal, doesn’t mean other bands should follow suit. In the past I could only deal with one Spinal Tap, and furthermore only one Bad News, but now these types of parody bands are coming in their droves.

De La Cruz hail from Australia, and judging by their video for ‘Cherry Bomb’ it seems as if these guys haven’t got a lot going on up top let alone down under. This is the sort of band I would expect to be manufactured for a rock version of Pop Idol or The X-Factor, so cringe-worthy are this five-piece.

Having grown up with 80s metal bands and adoring bands such as Mötley Crüe, Ratt and the likes, to hear these sort of bands trying to emulate the LA sleaze scene is downright embarrassing, and for every half-decent band today (Wildstreet for instance) there seems to be a whole host of hair-sprayed wannabes posing and pouting with the effect of a wet lettuce.

So, De La Cruz… what can I tell you about them? Well, they are fronted by the New Zealand born and bred hot-bloodied male known as Roxxi Catalano, who in turn is backed by guitarist Casey Jones (at least he’s using his real Christian name!), drummer Lacey Lane (oh dear, we’re back to the hair metal aping!), second guitarist Rory Joy (can these names get any worse?) and bassist Grant Daniell.

Street Level is the band’s debut full-length album, and a follow-up to their 2011 self-titled EP. The album can be described as mediocre at best, and is a predictable hair metal affair that relies heavily on its rather plastic-looking image. Guys, the torn jeans, shades and prim and proper hair styles just don’t work anymore, especially for new bands who seem uncomfortable in their skin… which reflects the rather shallow music. If anyone has seen the ‘Cherry Bomb’ video then you’ll know what I mean. This is the sort of look a sad uncle would sport back in the 80s if he was taking the piss out of heavy metal.

Musically, it’s all very derivative, attempting macho stomp and glam metal pomp, all very harmless, and yet the sort of band that would have been swallowed up all those years ago. With bands like this swooning on the scene with their pathetic swaggering, it makes me yearn for the bands that never made it back in the day, who made this sort of stuff look exactly like what it is – bubblegum rock that’s not an embarrassment. Anyone remember Roxx Gang, Britny Fox, Johnny Crash, Funhouse, Skin & Bones et al? Probably not, and that’s the crime, because no doubt the tragically named and unhip De La Cruz will probably get the support slots these forgotten guys could never manage.

Street Level drifts by like tumbleweed candy-floss, a soft record that tries so hard to flex its muscles, but all the while it remains a dull, parody that stumbles, rather than swaggers. The title cut is a mish-mash of so many bands before, complete with the stereotypical lyrics and Def Leppard-styled melody. The same can also be said for ‘Girls Go Wild’ which attempts a Guns N’ Roses-style swagger, especially with Roxxi’s ineffective rasp.

I’m sure many will disagree with my opinions, but these sort of bands were two-a-penny back in 1987, and hardly any of them could get past the demo stage of their career. Strangely, it’s this type of all-that-glitters-isn’t-gold metal that killed off metal as the grunge invasion swept through the planet. Of course, what any self-respecting metalhead will realise is that bands like this are walking clichés and are completely missing the point. Sadder still, with those haircuts De La Cruz simply look like Justin Bieber’s older brother. But hey, I guess there’s no such thing as bad publicity, eh guys? This sort of hard rock / metal could never sell its soul for rock ’n’ roll because it’s already soulless.

Neil Arnold

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