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INTÖXICATED
Röck ’N Roll Hell Patröl

Hells Headbangers (2013)
Rating: 4.5/10

Well, the cover immediately has me shuffling on the back foot, so concerned am I that this is another jokey thrash revival band who is going to bore me with tales of sex, zombies and cartoons. Let’s face it, there’s no need nowadays to intentionally have bad album covers.

Those types of low budget illustrations were best suited to the dingy 80s, and there’s no need to try to bring that feel and look back. Also, the band name and the album title suggest a bit of a booze-up, but haven’t I heard such beer-guzzling rants before with German thrash act Tankard?

So, what are Intöxicated all about? Well, for a start this is German speed metal – the kind of bullet-belt wearing thuggery that we became accustomed to in the early 80s when thrash legends Destruction caved our craniums in.

It’s no surprise that a majority of the alcohol-fuelled bands of the 80s were influenced by Motörhead, and it seems as if Intöxicated – albeit several decades later – are following the same seedy left hand path, bursting from their cage with the terribly titled ‘Sex Drinks Satan’, which sounds like a third-rate Slayer drowned by overly loud drums and riffs sounding as if they’ve been purchased for cheap from a thrash metal boot fair.

This is very much humour-tinged thrash metal with a punky edge. But if any of you real thrash fans out there remember that classic Onslaught 1985 debut opus Power From Hell, then you might find many similarities of that crusty classic buried deep within this clattering platter. For me, the vocals remind me of ex-Onslaught frontman Paul Mahoney whose singing style, although primitive, was also a touch on the amateurish side.

Musically, Intöxicated aren’t as poor as I initially imagined, but the rather cringe-worthy ‘Metal Porno Slut’, for all its blazing guitars, is too much comedy over substance as vocalist Löuie rasps “I love metal sluts” over another derivative speed metal riff. I guess it’s all good fun in the long run, but how much beery metal can a man take?

Apparently these guys formed in 2009, but it’s obviously taken them a while to find their identity, because when you hear the searing hot riff of ‘Suffering For Love’ I sense a glimmer of hope amidst the anarchy, and yet as soon as the vocals impose themselves and the terrible lyrics (“It’s better to masturbate”) are puked out, things take on a turn for the worse once again, the band clearly not sure whether to thrash hard or fail miserably with their naivety.

The title track on this debut is a bit of a Motörhead clanger with Lemmy-style vocals and another boozy riff, but when the crashing cymbals signify the hell hath no fury bombardment of ‘Slutanic Speedmetal’ I’m once again confused as to whether I like this rugged and dirty brand of metal? But the answer, after a few spins, is a resounding “no”. As harsh as it may be, Intöxicated have the lifespan of a gnat, because this sounds like the sort of mess a majority of musicians would churn out in a garage jam.

I never expected to be bowled over by this album, but I did hope that the atrocious cover art was simply going to hide something more infectious. Röck ’N Roll Hell Patröl, though is about as fun as cheap, warm beer in the company of a friend you can no longer stand. Piss-up or piss off? You decide.

Neil Arnold

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